What’s A Vagina to You?

Many things come across my desk—cups of coffee, various papers, bowls of ice cream, cats, and even the odd dog—but perhaps the most curious of all was a book titled, Shmirshky, written by “E” (for every woman).

A “shmirshky” (pronounced shmersh-key) as it turns out is E’s word for vagina. The penis she calls an “erlick” (rhymes with herlick). The book is about something that affected E’s shmirshky and has or will affect every other shmirshky in the world: perimenopause and menopause, which the author refers to as “PM&M.”

Now I thought thanks in part to the Vagina Monologues, we finally got over our fear of the word, vagina. I thought by the time women entered menopause, they could be officially considered in “A” (adulthood) and thus, not reliant on euphemisms and cuteness to make life palatable.

OMG was I wrong, like really wrong.

After talking with a number of women friends, it’s clear I’m the only one who doesn’t have nickname for her vagina. “Va-j-j” was popular. “Bo-dee” did double duty as being a descriptor for both the penis and vagina. There was “gina,” “pusois,” “love box,” “puddy,” and a few others I’d rather forget.

Back to Shmirshky, the book. What can it tell you about your “honey pot” you don’t already know? Well, it all depends on where you’re at. If you’re new to menopause, it’s a great primer. The author explains what you need to know simply and succinctly. Given the overwhelming and often confusing information on the topic that alone is reassuringly helpful. E also offers an overview of important diagnostic tests and what they mean, while clarifying the difference between symptoms that look like menopause but may in fact be related to something else, such as a thyroid problem. She sums it all up in a chapter called, “shmirshky don’t-jump-off-a-cliff notes.”

Shmirshky, as the E explains in the introduction, was written as an act of friendship and the tone of the book is warm, supportive, and kind—things most women need in spades when going through menopause.

Having written a book on menopause myself (ridethepinkelephant.com) and having grappled with all the emotional craziness and medical complexities therein (especially around hormones), we gals also need practical guidance, which Shmirshky delivers. Things like how to handle weight gain when your hormones go out of whack (toss the stuff that doesn’t fit, get Spanx, get a seamstress). And how to find a good doctor, which is harder than it sounds and in my experience, the key to a relatively stress-free menopause.

If you’re used to putting everyone’s needs before yours, screening docs can be especially challenging. E counsels women to give up the “’I'm fine’ cover-up” and come clean with your doctor about what you’re going through.

“Many shmirshkies spend more time researching hotels, hairdressers, and restaurants than researching doctors,” writes E as she implores women to put themselves first for a change. “Think of the doctor-patient relationship like you would a business partnership,” she says. “Would you go into business with someone who doesn’t listen to you and sincerely respect your opinion? Don’t settle for less than you deserve!”

Advice like that makes me forgive all the exclamation points, nicknames, and acronyms. By the end of the book, I confess, I was still smarting from being left out on the whole name-your-shmirshky thing. So, I’ve come up with my own name. It’s “bunny tail.” Is that cute or what?

A Sexy Attitude is Ageless

You’re never too old to learn something new—like how giving up on “your sexy” is just plain old.

I was thinking about this the other day listening to an interview on NPR with Lindsey Vonn. What got me wasn’t so much her winning a gold medal in the super G, the fact that she uses men’s skis, her superstar youthful looks, or even her powerful athletic body.

It’s her attitude.

She’s direct, honest, opinionated, funny, strong, and focused. She does what she wants to. She calls it like she sees it. She is exactly, unapologetically herself.

She is, in short, sexy.

This came through loud and clear in the interview when they asked her about her decision to appear in Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit issue wearing a bikini and even less.

“I honestly thought it was a great opportunity,” Vonn explained to NPR. “I mean, I’m not a skinny model, I’m an athlete, I have muscles. And I think that it’s great that I’m given the opportunity to show that. It’s a lot different body image than what’s normally out there.”

Okay, stop right there. I know what you’re thinking: it’s easy to have that sexy attitude when you’re a young, beautiful Olympian.

But just consider: there are plenty of Olympian women out there who are young and beautiful but don’t have Vonn’s attitude.

Now if you can accept sexy is just an attitude, why is it so many women over forty seem to have forgotten that? It’s as though they’ve shut their sexy down, locked the door and thrown away the key. Oh sure they might still look sexy, what with all the anti-aging this-and-that available today, but they don’t feel or think sexy. They’re what I call the “pseudo-sexy.” They’ll spend a lot of money and time trying to look sexy, but it’s not to have sex—that’s the last thing on their minds. It’s to make them feel better about themselves and to get attention. Basically, they’re insecure show offs.

I know this because I blog about sex and the older woman and I get a lot of feedback, or I should say, flak, for it. The flak comes in the form of judgment, disapproval, or even behind-my-back vicious gossip.

Here’s the interesting part. What I’ve noticed about the flak-givers is they’re all members of the pseudo-sexy club. The people with the cool attitude, the ones who actually like sex, they just laugh.

So here’s to you dear, laughing readers. May you keep on with your wonderful ageless attitude, knowing that even though you get lots of sex, it’s the “pseudo-sexies” who are really fucked.

The Secret to My Sexual Desire

Oh my hearts! Another Valentine’s Day is upon us and I’ve not a thing to wear.

Turns out that’s perfect because nudity is probably just what he’s looking for. Men are basic that way.

But what if you’re not? What if you need the candles and chocolates and fancy dinner to get “interested?” Here are some seasonedsex tips on what works and what doesn’t so you can both enjoy a perfect Valentine’s day and night.

First, let’s look at food—does it work? According to a recent New York Times article, there’s no evidence that food is truly aphrodisiac. Any affects that are noticed are highly subjective and often dependent on cultural differences.

I’m afraid that’s even true for chocolate. Food researchers say while chocolate is romantic and pleasurable to eat, it’s reputation as an aphrodisiac is highly exaggerated. It does contain some chemicals like phenylethylamine, which produce feelings of euphoria. But a 130-pound person would have to eat 25 pounds of chocolate in one sitting to significantly alter mood.

I don’t know about you, but sex would be the last thing on my mind after eating almost 20% of my body weight in chocolate.

Other research has shown that chili peppers quicken the pulse and induce sweating, mimicking the state of sexual arousal, as well as stimulating the release of endorphins, which play a role in sexual pleasure. Another small study found men appear to be susceptible to the scent of doughnuts mingled with licorice. For women, first place for most arousing was a tie between baby powder and the combination of Good & Plenty candy with cucumber. But beware cherries and smell of meat cooked over charcoal—those cause a sharp drop in excitation among women.

Clearly then food’s not to be relied on. Like me, you probably already know this and gave up baking chocolate penises a long time ago. But what to do when the demands and stresses of life are getting in the way of your V-day desire?

Here’s my little secret. It’s called AddLib and I discovered it about a year ago. For me, Addlib kicks in quickly, at which point, I just have to have it. And yes, I sell AddLib on my shopping page (at a 10% discount to seasonedsex readers) but I’m not paid to extol its virtues. I just use it and it works.

AddLib is a 100% natural, hormone-free, drug-free product that contains clinically tested herbal extracts and vitamins. The active ingredient is a Fenugreek seed extract that acts similar to testosterone in the body.

So this Valentine’s day, add some libido and drive him crazy. The company stands behind its products with a 30 day risk free money back guarantee so what have you got to lose?

PS: G Stimulating Lubricant is also an amazing product but we wouldn’t want to give him a heart attack now would we?

Ask A Cougar: Younger Man Seeks Older Woman…But Where?

Recently, I got an email from a “cub” reader. He writes:

How do I go about meeting cougars?  I’ve always been more attracted to older women and I’ve had some success in the past but much more failure. I’d like to increase my success rate and my conquests. I’m 25 and very comfortable with my age but it seems easier meeting younger women.

Very respectfully,

The Lil Cub

Firstly, Lil Cub, I applaud your excellent taste in women. And I agree, the best doesn’t come easily. Without revealing too much about cougar habitat and habits (I have to protect the species after all), I will try to offer some guidance.

In order to meet a cougar, you have to think like a cougar. Cougars are mavericks. They like fun and adventure. They love a challenge. They’re self-made, independent woman who call the shots because, quite frankly, they really do know better.

Cougars regard the term, “cougar,” as being stupid and hardly worth wasting picosecond on. But they also understand that most people (cubs) have a tough time with complexity and require reductionist labels to make sense of the world.

Though the species may look to outsiders (and cubs particularly) as being remarkably uniform, cougars are in fact a highly diverse group in terms of temperaments, interests, and desires. A cub must be prepared for anything.

He must also be very smart because cougars love interesting conversation, studded here and there with a fiendishly clever witticism. A cub, then, would be wise to treat intelligent discourse as “catnip,” and begin to hone his command of metaphysics, literature, evolutionary psychology, the Kama Sutra, luxury sex toys, that odd little story about Schrödinger’s cat, bargain shopping strategies, exotic spa locales, and even psychic phenomenon (they can’t help themselves).

Having laid the groundwork, where might a worthy cub go hunting for such an exciting beast? Herewith are my top three suggestions:

1. A giant bookstore such as Barnes & Noble or Borders where there are plenty of reading nooks and a coffee shop.
2. A wine store such as Total Wine that offers educational events and wine tastings.
3. A sophisticated new wine bar (consult your local listings).

My fellow feline sisters may disagree but on days when a special event is being held – say an author lecture or a wine tasting – book stores and wine stores are simply purring with high caliber cougars. Plus there is great utility is being part of an event since it provides easy opportunity to spark a conversation. For example:

Cub: What do you think of that new Zinfandel?
Cougar: Not impressed. You just can’t beat Old Vines I’m afraid and this proves it.
Cub: I’d like to shake your Old Vine.
Cougar: How cheeky, you child boy!
Cub: I only look boyish. May I treat you to another sampling? You may like the  ménage à deux.
Cougar: Fool! The wine is called Ménage à Trois and it’s a red.
Cub: I wasn’t talking about sampling wine, ma chérie…

See how easy it is? In the above example, I have employed what could never be construed as a fiendishly clever witticism but suffices as a highly effective alternate strategy: the use of surprise and outrage to get a cougar’s attention. Though she may be thinking to herself, “quel jerque,” deep down she is likely allowing you a point or two for your boldness and impish sense of humor. For above all, a cougar is a predator with a big cuddly sense of humor.

Now, the careful cub reader may remember I also mentioned wine bars, of which there seem to be more and more all the time (at least where I live). These are crawling with cougars, all drinking with uninhibited gusto and carrying on as though they were in their very own private cougar club. Easy hunting indeed if you can handle the challenge of approaching a group of cougars who may point and laugh hysterically at your inability to enunciate your name without breaking into spittle and stutter.

As we mentioned earlier, nothing worth having comes easy.

So there you have it. I suppose you could try an online site but I don’t know any cougars who take them seriously. Cougars hunt by smell and instinct, neither of which can be effectively exercised online. For never forgot, it’s in her nature to view everything lil cubster who comes along as just a lil appetizer.  Unless of course said cub possesses a prize piece of meat, in which case, anything can happen.

Let me know how it goes.