Archive for February, 2009

Erotica DIY

What do you do when your significant other asks for naked pictures or even erotic video of you doing whatever it is you do to get off? Not only that, he asks it with an urgency as in, “If you agree to do this, I’m at Best Buy getting a camcorder now.”

I didn’t know how to advise my, err, friend. But I know someone who does: Kelly Shibari. She owns a production company, PrivateXXXStudios. On her blog, “Brains Before Beauty,” she describes herself as “a mold-breaking Adult Industry professional with multiple college degrees, a Mensa-grade IQ, and a penchant for techno-geek steampunk.”

Now maybe I don’t know what “steampunk” is but I do know, if Kelly can’t help here, no one can. Here’s part one of our interview:

SeasonedSex: Is this even a good idea? How do men typically respond to receiving erotica from their partners? How do women react?

Kelly: I think that women 40 and older are very much in touch with their sexuality and/or sensuality.  I’m 36 now and have a better understanding of my body and how things work. In fact, I like it more than I ever did in my 20s, and that’s probably true for many women.

It’s a wonderful idea to present erotica to your partner. But I do suggest that if a relationship is more “vanilla” in nature, then perhaps you could start by introducing your partner to the idea of watching porn together. After all, if you and your partner are the flannel-pjs-and-reading-glasses type rather than the lacy-negligee type, you might scare your partner into retreating under the bed when presented with something overtly sexy out of the blue!

SeasonedSex: Let’s say you’re somewhere in between flannel and lacy, where do you starts?

Kelly: You might want to get comfortable with the idea of watching erotica by starting with a soft-core Cinemax or Showtime late night movie (I often call those Skinamax or ShowMe movies). Then you can work up from there, going to creating a self-made erotic film as a great, sexy, stop-him-in-his-tracks present for a special occasion.

I also have to go on a slight tangent and mention that erotic movies are not the only way to go. Written erotica might be a wonderful way to keep the spark going (or even get it started), especially when it’s exchanged through email. There are dozens of “free erotica” sites online. A woman could read those to get ideas on what to write. From personal experience, nothing gets a person warmed up more than little erotic notes about what a partner wants to do when they get home! You can also get creative and add images to the emails…pictures of a legs with stockings and high heels, or lips, or even a picture of a dining room table with candles can add a visual spark. And it doesn’t have to be long. Sometimes a single well-written steamy paragraph can do the trick (and doesn’t get too much in the way of his work, but is just enough to keep him thinking about it all day).

SeasonedSex: Some women may not worry too much about privacy. Others are completely freaked that their video might end up on youtube (they wish…). What do you recommend in terms of taking measures to protect your booty on video?

Kelly: I am a little hesitant to suggest that the gentleman take the DVD with him out of town. After all, he might forget it at the hotel, or worse. I would send it to him as part of an email to surprise him during a business trip. Or I would keep the DVD at home, unless you’re truly an exhibitionist! YouTube has enough filters to remove a lot of adult content, but there are plenty of free porn sites where there is always a possibility of a scene getting out if your partner isn’t discreet, or if he simply misplaces it (you know how guys can be sometimes, especially if they are distracted by a sexy woman!). In that case masks and wigs are always available, or you can avoid shooting the face completely.

SeasonedSex: What do you do if your 15-minutes of butt-naked fame goes viral?

Kelly: Should a video “leak,” results can either be devastating or humorous. I think it depends on the person and their environment. Personally, if someone were to come up to me about some home-made movie that I had presented to my husband (hypothetically speaking), I would chuckle and ask if they were interested in making one themselves, since I had the camera to help make one for them. I’ve found that humor and laughter can defuse most potentially sticky situations, even for the most conservative people. You’re not trying to be a porn star, after all; you’re working on your relationship with your life partner.

Stay tuned for part two coming up next. Kelly will share some tips on how to do your own video. Not that I’m curious or anything.

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Beware The Saliva!

Have you ever met a guy who was phenomenal in the sack but just a horrible kisser? I mean so disgustingly slobbery that you’d rather suck on a slimy frog? If it were me, the guy wouldn’t make it past a slap on the face let alone get anywhere near my bra strap.

But, says the kissing-science field of philematology (yeah, that’s a new one for me, too), I could be missing the point. Kissologists (okay, I made up the term), or those who study the biochemistry of kisses, say that saliva increases sex drive and even coupling. Men also could be using the saliva transfer to assess a woman’s fertility and estrogen cycle.

Yes, smart people actually study this stuff. The finding was recently (Feb 13) reported at the annual meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science (AAAS).

“There is evidence that saliva has testosterone in it,” said Rutgers University anthropologist Helen Fisher, and testosterone increases sex drive. “And there is evidence that men like sloppier kisses with more open mouth. That suggests they are unconsciously trying to transfer testosterone to stimulate sex drive in women.”

Using the fine art of osculating to get a girl fornicating–I mean, just how low can a guy get? Apparently they can’t much help themselves. Evolution makes them do it so they can screw it. Still, I hope the male of our species can remember that they’ve advanced a tad beyond primate and there’s a fine line between the kiss that fans the flame and the one that douses it.

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Just Take Me. Now!

Think you’re turned on by the same fantasies that turn on most other women? Take my completely unscientific test and find out. Which one of the following scenes turns your button “on”?

#1. A swarthy, suave, and sophisticated man is escorting you to your car after a perfect first-date at a five star restaurant. You watch his huge bicep bulge under his Dolce & Gabana suit as he reaches for your door handle and pulls hard. Suddenly he grabs your shoulders and forces you into the driver’s seat, all the while whispering naughty, filthy things in your ear. Just as you’re wondering if you should scream or moan, he pins you under his hard body and rips open your silk blouse.

#2. At last, you’ve got him, the most powerful man in your organization, the Executive Chairman and commander of your professional universe. It had started innocently enough. As you raced down the hall to your meeting, you stumbled over your 3” heels, flying into him head first, your hands reaching forward like Wonder Woman. He grabbed you firmly, gently holding you up by your waist. That’s when you looked up and your eyes locked. He gently brushed your hair out of your flushing face. You could feel his warm soft breath on your cheek. He smiled and asked your name, and a rush of exhilaration ripped through your body leaving you speechless. He led you into big corner office so you could “recover.”

#3. It had been a demanding week, the worst in memory. The minute you walked in the house, the DKNY outfit starting coming off, piece by piece. As you passed through the kitchen, now clad only in bras and panties, you see his white-shirted back bent over a pot of bubbling sauce with a tasting spoon in hand. He turns, dropping the spoon in the pot, and runs to you, arms open wide. “Give me some good lovin’ honey!” he says squeezing hard. You kiss him quickly and make a beeline for the bedroom, kicking off your Ferragamo as you stop at the threshold. He follows behind, his apron splattered with tomato seeds, two glasses of red wine in hand. As you throw yourself on the bed, stretching out spread eagle, he hands you a wine glass and crawls beside your exhausted body. “Is it okay if I give you a foot rub, hon?” he whispers lovingly.

So what will it be? The domination fantasy? The money-and-power fantasy? The adoring, cuddly mate fantasy?

If Marta Meana, a professor of psychology at the University of Nevada at Las Vegas, had to speculate, most women would probably go with the “ravisher who is so overcome by a craving focused on the woman that he cannot contain himself.”

This, according to a recent New York Times article about the science of female desire. Meana explains further: “With apologies for the regressive, anti-feminist sounding answer, he transgresses societal codes in order to seize her, and she, feeling herself to be the unique object of his desire, is electrified by her own reactive charge and surrenders.”

Meana eventually puts that in terms I get:  women want the caring caveman, she says. Qualities she adds that are embodied by the actor, Denzel Washington (What? Not Shaft?). “He communicates that kind of power and that he is a good man,” explains Meana.

Has Meana finally figured out what it is that women want? Probably not.

You see, ever since Viagra solved a man’s “floppy,” drug companies have been searching long and hard for the solution to flagging female desire. Oh sure they got compounds that can get your blood flowing and your down under parts lubricating, but desire? So far, nobody’s found that light switch, Meana’s singular observation notwithstanding.

I don’t know where you stand on the matter, but I have always got a wee little charge out of fantasies that involve less giving pleasure and more getting it. Intimate relationship, well, not so important here. (I refer the gentle reader back to scenario #1.)

Which means my British girlfriend had it right back in high school when we thought Lee overalls were the pinnacle of fashion (in a Huck Finn kind of way) and boys were worth dying over. We had spent the lunch hour debating, as usual, how best to rid ourselves of this confounded state, commonly known as “virginity.” (It’s not such a big deal in Canada, where I’m from.) As she licked the chocolate pudding out of the bottom of its plastic cup, she looked up at me most seriously, her mouth ringed with pudding and uttered in her best British accent: “Don’t they know that women just want to be taken?”

Put that in a pill, you, you, drug makers.

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