The Clairvoyant Between Your Legs

You see how he got the name, 'cunnilingus?'

This goes under the category of, “What is happening to sex?”

Having recently read a curious post on the blog, “Why Women Hate Men,” I have decided to take on the topic of the clitoris, oral sex, and some men’s obtuseness as it concerns this prized activity technically known as cunnilingus (a name that I once gave a puppy and sadly, it stuck).

The post lacerated a 19-year-old guy in Las Vegas for writing a personal ad promising to bring delight to all whom responded to his free offer for unparalleled oral sex (his assessment). There was only one exception:  “smelly ugly girls” need not apply. Ah, a man of such discernment.

Now as seasoned, sexy women, we immediately write this impish knave off as the tongue-stud asshole he truly is. While at the same time taking pause to consider: is the state of oral sex so bad out there that some jerk thinks this is the only advertising claim he need make? One clit-licking offer, and boom, he’s The Tongue Man of the century?

Hardly.

In my experience, men fall into four buckets when it comes to oral sex. Bucket #1: they just don’t go “downtown.” In fact it’s “repulsive” to them. Could be a cultural thing. Could be they’re not into women. Could be I really don’t care.

Bucket #2 includes the guys who will do it when you push their head in that general direction. Usually this is after you’ve given them a blowjob and now you’re exercising the obligation guilt. They don’t hate it but they’re not crazy about it either. Usually, they’re just lazy.

The third bucket is for the guys, the blessed few, who start with oral sex, really enjoy it, get you off every time and leave you thinking, is he actually a she?

Then there’s the last bucket requiring some explanation as I stumbled upon it only recently while supine one evening.

Have you ever been with a guy whom you thought was so incredibly sexy that you wanted to make love forever? He’s got all the right moves, says all the right things, and when he kisses you, well, pardon my clichés, but it’s like two worlds colliding with stars exploding as you take a trip to the moon.

Except for one little problem. When it comes to oral sex, you just can’t come. And it’s not because he’s doing anything wrong. It’s just that he doesn’t realize the clit is connected to body, which is connected to the being, your being. Which makes the clit a kind of radar, a “clitdar,” so to speak.

Not to get all Tantra on you, but what I’m saying is the clit is another window to your soul. It’s so super-sensitive, so sourced with intuitive power, that it can pick up whether or not a guy is “okay,” as in, safe, “normal,” and trustworthy. If there’s anything amiss, the clitdar will sound the siren and shut down the whole operation.

Of course, you have no idea why this is happening. You are blinded by his sexiness. So you think, ‘It’s not him, it’s me!’ You pull out your mega-vibrator, about the size of a jackhammer, to complete the job. But trust me, eventually the truth will out itself. You will find the pea below the mattresses. And when you do, you’ll realize the clitdar was right. The clitdar is always right. At which point, you must step away from the jackhammer and probably him, too.

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