How to be a SeasonedSuperSexer

Is it possible that more people are having sex now that it’s about the only thing most of us can still afford? That’s what I’ve been thinking lately. It led me to interview a couple of special gals who I would put in the category of “seasonedsupersexers”. Let’s call them Lighthouse and Rockette. If you’re looking for a new perspective on sex, read on:

SeasonedSex: Lighthouse, your reputation as being multi-orgasmic precedes you. Were you born that way or is more of an attitude?

Lighthouse: I’m more comfortable with the subject of sex than most people. I’ve always had an open curiosity towards sex. I didn’t feel comfortable discussing sex with my family, but I was a smart kid and knew where to find information. The internet wasn’t popular at that time, so I went to book stores and talked to my friends and, of course, I tried things. Sexuality is such an essential part of our beings, it seems natural to always be exploring. Of all the things I am curious about in this world, I am especially curious about connecting with others and the subject of intimacy in general.

SeasonedSex: What about you, Rockette. How much sex do you like? Do you still masturbate even when you’re getting regular sex?

Rockette: Sex has evolved for me. I was raised a Christian and believed in waiting for sex until after marriage. Around the age of 25, I became an atheist and started to explore my sexuality. It still took me 6 months to a year to start to feel comfortable with my body. It took another 2 to 3 years, and a partner who really desired me, to open up. I don’t know how I compare with other women but I would guess that for most women sex drive is highly influenced by how happy they are, their self-esteem, hormones, and if they have safe sex partners available. When I was at my peak health and happiness several years ago, I dreamt of having sex twice a day, three or four times a week. And, yes! I still masturbate when I have sex or am in a relationship. I expect that my partner would do the same. I like the quick rush from masturbation and if sex is good with my partner I’ll use masturbation to relive exciting moments.

Lighthouse: In a long-term relationship, I’m generally happy with sex 3 to 5 times a week. I go through phases where I like a lot more too. And hell yeah, I still masturbate—even if I have a regular sex-life. Sometimes my cravings are physical (I need skin on skin) and sometimes they are mental. Masturbation is a great release. This must be proven by now, right?

SeasonedSex: If you’re in a long-term relationship, how do you keep sex alive?

Lighthouse: In a word, differentiation. I wrote about it on my blog. A quote from the book, Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch, sums it up: “Differentiation is your ability to maintain your sense of self when you are emotionally and/or physically close to others—especially as they become increasingly important to you.”

I’m more and more of a proponent of couples NOT living together (unless children are involved). It seems as if people become easily complacent. It’s happened to me each of the three times I’ve lived with someone. And I considered each of us to be highly intelligent, conscious beings! We seemed to lose our identities, stagnating instead of flourishing.

It’s important for me to have my own space. A space where there are no compromises. A place to retreat within. To re-root and gain strength when the world beats down on me. A place to be ugly and horrid where no one can see me. A place to push boundaries and make mistakes alone. I don’t know. Solitude for whatever reason. I think I romanticize it.

Rockette: I agree about the importance of keeping one’s individuality. In my last relationship, I tried to keep sex alive by encouraging my boyfriend to explore porn with me, using props, and trying different sexual approaches, such as Tantra. I learned that unless both partners are fully committed and interested in keeping sex alive, it won’t work. In my case my boyfriend was not ready for commitment so having better sex was actually too scary for him and he withdrew sexually.

SeasonedSex: I was on polyamorysociety.org and they define polyamory as “the nonpossessive, honest, responsible and ethical philosophy and practice of loving multiple people simultaneously.” Does that actually work?

Lighthouse: I haven’t been able to make it work. I’m all for it intellectually, but emotionally I can’t seem to hack it. After almost 10 years of trying, I finally decided that it’s not what I want. I learned a lot about myself trying to make it work, looking at my fears and jealousy. Finally I got tired of doing so much work. I just wanted to relax and have a good time. I am who I am. I do my best.

Rockette: I’ve been in an open relationship. I don’t think I will ever be fully polyamorous. Depending on my partner, I’m fine with them flirting, cuddling and kissing a girl, but I’m not sure I’d be comfortable with it going any farther than that. I think it’s romantic knowing that my partner freely wants to be with me, even though he has other choices.

SeasonedSex: What advice would you give a woman who wants to be more sexual but isn’t sure how to open up to that side of herself?

Lighthouse: The most important things are education and authenticity. Start asking yourself what you like and don’t like and go from there. What feels good? What would you like to try? Check out websites. Visit sex stores. Read erotica. Masturbate.

Rockette: I’d also say if she has good female friends maybe ask them to share how they have explored their sexuality. Of course, you’ve got to be safe and learn more about STD’s and safety precautions.

SeasonedSex: How do you define a great lover?

Rockette: A great lover is someone who is able to connect with his partner, understand her needs and desires, and be attentive. He’s not just focused on orgasm as the ultimate goal. He realizes there’s a lot more to sex. Honest communication, diversity and playfulness are also good — one day he’s a Romeo, next he’s a caveman.  He has to be willing to explore sex it on all its levels.

Thanks to Rockette and Lighthouse for their honesty and openness. I think I’ll ask the same questions of some men and see what happens. Are the sexes really that different? Stay tuned.

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