How to Turn a Guy into a Sex Toy

Oh my. How we gals do go on about our vibrators and other sex toys.

Yeah right. I think I’ve had two friends in my almost five decades of life mention their vibrators to me, in an embarrassed, under-their-breath kind of way. Just two.

Even less talked about are sex toys for guys. I hate to admit it but it never occurred to me that a heterosexual guy would want to use a sex toy, let alone know how to use one.

Recently though LELO, the luxury sex toy company out of Sweden, set the record straight for me. They sent me a “BO” to try.

I opened the elegant box it arrived in, noting to myself to keep the matte black box for the collection. (I collect empty boxes. I have no idea why.) Then I pulled out the BO, a small donut-shaped pliable ring with a tiny motor that slips into the ring, activating the vibration.

I held the buzzing BO in the palm of hand as though it were some curious little creature I’d found under my bed and called my new boyfriend, Thorben Klaven III. I explained the situation. With a rising voice, he insisted–no let me rephrase that, begged me–to meet for a trial run.

[Dear reader: due to onerous and often surprising censorship rules that tax our world, along with my distaste for being on the wrong side of ferocious finger-waggers, the so called, “trial run,” has been edited down to well, err, nothing. I leave you instead with the aftermath.]

“TK?” I whispered to his chest hairs. I was resting in the crook of his arm, poking him in the ribs to rouse him.

“Now, now, sweetness” he said patting my head with his big mitt, “You know I prefer, Thorben.”

“Yes of course, darlinginko,” I said patiently. “What did you think, Thor-bo-bo?” I snickered quietly.

He rolled over and snuggled closer, indulging me like a toddler who just never learns. “It was Bo-delicious,” he said. “I felt bionic, like some cyborg sex toy. I could have climbed a skyscraper. You?”

“I’ve never experienced anything like it,” I said with genuine amazement. “Everything was vibrating. You were like a giant human sex toy. Incredible.”

“Better than Dunkin’ BoNuts, huh?” he said laughing.

“Seriously Bo Vibrations,” I quipped back.

“Bo and Quiver,” he retorted.

“BoFinger,” I snapped.

“Bo that rocks,” he crackled.

“Bo Derek,” I popped.

[Dear Reader: This went on for another fifteen minutes. I'll spare you and pick up the story here:]

“Thorben?” I said sitting up in bed and reaching for the notebook I always kept on my nightstand. “How would you describe the quality of your orgasm?” My pen immediately moved into my mouth for that serene, contemplative look.

Thorben looked at me lovingly. “You’re so cute when you do that journalist thing,” he said sweetly.

I gave him an affectionate nudge, pressing him for an answer.

He thought about it for a moment. “I would say the orgasm was multifaceted. I had to negotiate the pressure from the tight ring that kept things, err, backed up and full, if you know what I mean, with the intensity of the buzzing sensation. It was curious but exciting.”

I scribbled furiously. “Anything else?” I nodded encouragingly.

“Why, yes, there is,” he said mysteriously. “If I press it against the mattresses it makes a loud funny sound.” He activated the Bo again to demonstrate—a giant Nordic-type of a man bouncing and buzzing on my bed.

“You’re so silly!” I said trying to restore a certain journalistic gravitas. “Would you mind rating the experience on a scale of one to 10?”

“Oh, that’s hardly scientific,” he said. “To each his own.”

I gave him my best crestfallen look. “That’s your answer?”

He squeezed me affectionately. “Nope,” he said. “Here’s my answer: It’s for any woman who wants to experience a live, super-sized sex toy and any guy who’s wondered what it’s like to be one.” He looked at me with a big grin.

“Oh, Thorben,” I said throwing my notebook aside with a devil-may-care air. “Let’s recharge our little friend.”

“Just what I was thinking dearest,” he said dashing butt naked to the nearest electrical outlet.

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