Sexual Enlightenment Made Easy

Posted by Pink Wrangler

March 17, 2009

FIRST SIGN UP'S FOR MY NEW SEXUAL ENLIGHTENMENT TOUR

What follows is an esoteric tidbit, which I’m disclosing before its due date. (I was sworn to secrecy until 2020 but I needed something to blog about now.)

The circumstances of its acquisition are Lara Croftish, admittedly. Mostly I say that because I was wearing a tight tank top on the day all this happened five years ago. Also, I was in Cairo, Egypt.

I had traveled there at summer’s peak, as that’s when the flights are cheap. A couple of days after arrival, I found myself a top a camel, my armpits watering the sand, and my dry eyes blinking at the Pyramids of Giza on the horizon.

My trusty guide, Ahmed, rode ahead of me, his white cotton top flapping crazily behind him. I had met Ahmed outside the Egyptian Museum where he sat in a plastic chair selling postcards to tourists. When I asked him if he could make arrangements for a Pyramid Adventure fit for a Pharaoh, he cringed and spat. “It’s always about the pharaohs with you people, isn’t it?”

Happily Egyptians are famous for their it-is-what-it-is attitude. The next thing you know, we were approaching our destination. That is when the thing I am about to tell you happened.

Maybe it was the heat. Maybe it was the smell of camel poop. But as we approached the pyramid entrance, I passed out.

When I came to, I was completely naked, splayed out on the warm sand. So was Ahmed. I propped myself up on my elbows and looked at him as he snored soundly.

Now normally I would be horrified to find myself in such a position, especially since I had no recollection of what had happened. Oddly enough, I was elated, joyful, and at one with Ahmed, the pyramids, the gawking tourists, and even the camel poop.

Sensing my gaze, Ahmed stirred and sat up. That’s when I learned of the secret thing, which is also the thing I couldn’t remember. The simple act of standing bum to bum, Ahmed explained in a whisper, with hips hinged at ninety degrees angles (it’s always about proper geometry with the Egyptians) and arms spread open like airplane wings gathers sufficient energy to generate what Ahmed called the “fuzzy force.” (He meant of course, fusion force.) At a critical level of “rubbing,” energies coalesce, transforming the kissing butts into the center of a unified field of inner consciousness. This, in turns, leads to automatic sexual enlightenment.

I know, I know. It sounds so whacky. I almost thought I had dreamt it after the hookah incident, which happened the next day. But Ahmed swears it’s true and made me promise secrecy.

Fast forward to the other day when my friend, Emma, sends me an article from the New York Times. It describes how Nicole Daedone, the 41-year-old founder of the One Taste Urban Retreat Center in the Bay Area, has launched “the slow-sex movement.”

The main practice eschews the basics, such as love, romance and flirtation, and focuses strictly on the woman. She lies naked from the waist down while a clothed man huddles over her, stroking her in a ritual known as orgasmic meditation — “OMing,” for short.

Ms. Daedone explains that they are experiencing “the orgasm that exists between them.” This, she believes, is important because women need to own their sexuality to be truly free.

Thank you, Ms. Daedone for the bolt of inspiration. I immediately called Ahmed and told him to fold up his plastic chair for good. We’re starting a sexual enlightenment touring business. It’s called, “The Buttheads. Take the Back Door In.”

Ask A Cougar: How to Meet A Younger Man Ask A Cougar Woman: How Can An Older Woman Meet A Younger Man?...
Sexual Satisfaction: You Know You Want It Female Orgasms: how to get sexual satisfaction from a man. ...
The Secret to My Sexual Desire Looking for a little help in the libido and sexual desire department this Valentine's day? Here's my secret to sexy fun that will blow his socks off. ...