Tales of the Masturbators

Posted by Pink Wrangler

December 4, 2008

For Super-sized Satisfaction.

Recently I did a poll canvassing my girlfriends about masturbation technique. I needed some fresh ideas. It was a Sunday night. There was nothing good to eat in the fridge. What the heck?

I wanted to know the basics. What, when, how and of course we all know why. Names have been changed to protect identities. I believe I might have forgotten to mention to everyone that I was even doing this post. Oh well. I’m sure they’ll love it.

Here goes:

Vain Fingers describes doing it in front of the full length mirror that hangs on her closet door. In a pinch, she’ll do it in front of the smaller mirror over her sink. Mascara, masturbate, eyeshadow, masturbate. You get the drift. The urge can hit her out of the blue, she says. Typically it’s triggered by putting on or taking off her bra and panties. (Maybe that’s Victoria’s Secret?) She grabs her trusty vibrator and standing with legs spread, “like in a yoga posture,” (forgive me, oh Guru), completes the task. Sometimes she puts high heels on and whips herself (just kidding!).

Soapy Fingers prefers a bathtub filled with bubbles and soft candlelight for mood. She’ll be shaving her legs and then maybe other places. Next thing you know, she’s rubbing herself in the other places with a bar of soap. She says it makes her come quickly, especially if she uses two bars of soap. As an experienced “soapabator,” she offers a note of caution: “soap stings on shaved skin.”

Brown Fingers (oops, I better not say that even though she’s a brunette – I’ll use Vibrating Fingers instead) starts by dipping her small vibrator in a jar of shea butter. Lying on her bed naked and spread eagle, she applies the vibrator on the inside rather than outside, which she simultaneously “massages” with her free hand. She says she read somewhere that the clitoris and the G spot are just two sides of the same coin, so she likes to “work it from both sides.” I didn’t verify this anatomical tidbit but I did star my notes here as worthy of further investigation.

His Fingers says she only masturbates with her boyfriend watching. I tried to explain that sort of defeats the purpose. “It’s a Tantra thing,” she defended. “We don’t have intercourse so as to accumulate the sexual energy and become really powerful.” I didn’t bother correcting her on the fact that Tantra involves refraining from actual orgasm, not intercourse. What they heck, they’re having fun.

English Fingers is, as you may have guessed, fond of the English cucumber. She hates the smell of plastic and silicone, so dildos are out and cucumbers are the new BF. She explained that she prepares by thoroughly washing and peeling the cucumber. She returns to bed with her green friend, snuggling with it under the covers to get the fridge chill off. “Is that like veggie foreplay?” I asked innocently. She didn’t answer. “Do you want me to continue?” She said in the voice of a stern librarian. I told her I got the picture and noted to myself to never eat cucumber salad at her house.

Web Fingers does it at her computer. Being an attorney, she doesn’t have a whole lot of time. This is her idea of parallel processing. Once in a while, she’ll check one of those sex video sites to move things along but that’s only if she’s (a) on a deadline, (b) on a business trip, and (c) on her personal laptop. Now whenever anyone says the word, “lapdance,” she thinks, “laptop,” and gets all excited.

Pillow Fingers is, I think, self-evident though at first, I didn’t think it was possible. She explained further. “I’ll be watching TV and my eyes will dart over to one of the throw pillows,” she said. “Next thing you know, it’s between my legs and I’m humping it. I can do it with any pillow.” No wonder some women love decorating so much, I thought to myself.

Dear Reader, could I make this up? Can you add to the list? That’s a dare.

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