Walk Your Talk: the sex gait

You don't need a degree in sexology to know what she likes.

Ladies, you know how you’re not supposed to chow down on a date, or fart and burp in public because it’s so not what ladies do? Well now you’ve got to add walking to the list because research shows, how you walk reveals your orgasm history. And we all know real ladies don’t have sex to come – they’re just angling for a cuddle or two.

The study was published in the September 2008 issue of The Journal of Sexual Medicine. It was led by Stuart Brody of the University of the West of Scotland in collaboration with colleagues in Belgium. A friendly reader just forwarded it to me seeking some thoughtful analysis.

Here it is.

Sixteen female Belgian university students participated, adequately fortified, one hopes, with liters of strong beer. They completed a questionnaire on their sexual behavior and were then videotaped from a distance while walking in a public place. The videotapes were rated by two professors of sexology and two research assistants trained in the “functional-sexological” (I’m afraid to ask) approach to sexology. The observers were not aware of the women’s orgasmic history. This is science after all.

So here’s the good news. It takes an “appropriately trained sexologist” to decode your walk — not just any guy can figure this out. (Talk about justifying your fetish, I mean, your degree.) The sexologists “were able to correctly infer vaginal orgasm through watching the way the women walked more than 80% of the time.”

I imagine the conversation went something like this:

Caladh (not his real name): I’m picking up major stride length on the blonde.

Saertgen (not his real name): [Pensively sucking on an empty pipe] It’s over 2 meters for god’s sake! Combined with the vertebral rotation…why it…

Caladh: …Could mean only one thing…

Saertgen: [Visibly excited] Exactly. Free, unblocked energetic flow from the legs through the pelvis to the spine! And we all know the deduction there.

Caladh: [Drooling on his kilt] Hot. And confident. With a highly orgasmic gait. Do we have her number?

Saertgen: Forget about it. I get her. [Pounds chest with pipe.]

Caladh: [Pouting. He stares down at his clipboard] But the other ones have blocked pelvic muscles, and you know as well as I do that’s associated with psychosexual impairments, hindering not only vaginal orgasmic response but also gait.

I could go on but I’ll spare you.

The one conclusion, however, I take away from their research is that if you have some blocks in your pelvic muscles, it may affect your ability to experience “vaginal orgasm,” as the researchers specify. “Research,” they further write, “has linked vaginal orgasm to better mental health.”

What your walk says about your ability to experience the “slightly” more popular clitoral orgasm is any one’s guess. My best recommendation is don’t even think about doing the breast stroke in a public swimming pool. A sexologist may be watching.

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